Killer Bugs

Missouri Mosquitoes are the bane of my existence.  I seriously have scars all over my legs from itching their bites.  While in Mt. Vernon, I was reaching down itching my ankle.  The mailman drove by and asked if I was ok. (He was the first black person I’d seen since being here, by the way.)  He offered me some bug spray, and it made the rest of my night much more bearable.  So cool!  In Neosho, a woman saw my plight and gave me a brand new bottle of “After Bite,” an itch medicine.  It has seriously saved my life. Aren’t people nice?

Amistad

July 8th, 2001

There is a little Mexican store in my area, called “Amistad.”  It means friendship.  I stopped by and had a look around.  They had CDs, DVDs, books, and little knick-knacks like Bible covers.  I bought a book called “Rumbo al infierno” by Luis Torres for five bucks.  I really wanted to get some CDs, but they were all like fifteen dollars.  Maybe I’m cheap, but I think that is pretty steep for music when I don’t even know what they’re saying.  Actually, I think that’s steep for any CD. 

I need to stop getting music illegally. 

Just waiting for a ride

July 8, 2011

            I was sitting down on a curb by an abandoned building in my area today.  A Mexican guy drove by and asked me if I was ok.  I said yeah, I was just waiting for a ride.  (I don’t know why I said that, because it was only like 6, but I guess that my whole day is pretty much just waiting for my ride to come get me at 9.  So it wasn’t really a lie.)  He drove back by the other way like 7 minutes later.  He slowed down again and said, “Do you have a boyfriend?” in broken English.  I said, “Um, I’m fine, I’m just waiting for a ride.”  “Oh, ok.   ….. Do you have a boyfriend?”  “Um, yeah.” 

And he drove off.

US Marshal

July 7, 2011

         
I met a man with the most interesting life today.  He was a US Marshal.  He told me about how he started life as a lawyer, and did that for three years.  He hated it, all the lying that went on.  Defendants to their lawyer, District Attorneys to the lawyer, lawyer to lawyer… a web of lies.  So one day he came home with his office in a box, and told his wife that he quit.  She said, “But we have a baby on the way, what are we going to do?”  He said, “We are moving to Washington DC, and I’m going to go through the US Marshal Police academy.”  She hated DC, and the fact that her husband was always in danger.  One day, she and their daughter were killed by a drunk driver.  “I used to be a nice guy, but that changed me.  I’ve been mean and ornery ever since.” 

            He got re-married.  His second wife didn’t know that he was a US Marshal.  She thought he was a roofer.  That was his front, that he owned a roofing company.  They had a big warehouse and everything, complete with trucks and all.  “The trucks were junk, you wouldn’t have even been able to get them off the property.  But they painted them up real nice, so no one ever knew.”  It allowed him to go door-to-door and get to know the neighborhood.  “I was like you, only selling roofing.  But I never sold a single roof in all those years.  I did get to know people, though.  Who was doing what and that sort of thing.”  When his wife found out that he was actually a US Marshal, she divorced him.  That was five years later.  I asked why she divorced him, was it because their whole life together was based on a lie?  “No,” he said. “She just couldn’t handle the fear that she and I were always in danger.  I made a lot of enemies, you see.” 

            One day, when he and his third wife (who is his current wife of now 42 years) were living in California, he got a letter calling for his presence at the US Marshal’s office in Washington DC.  There is a saying in the force that says that you walk into that office a US Marshal, and you walk out a civilian.  He thought, “Oh boy, what did I do?”  He couldn’t think of anything, but he had to go anyway.  He arrived, and the lady at the front desk said, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and ushered him into a room.  The men said, “Your presence has been requested before congress.”  So they went to where Congress meets.  “It’s a huge room, and everyone was looking down on us, and I thought I must have really messed up big time.”  Then they read a statement that said that he was being called to serve as the head US Marshal over foreign affairs.  He would answer to no one but Congress.  “I told them, ‘You think it’s a promotion to give me this many bosses?’  But I did it, and it was the best job I could have asked for.  I’ve been around the world seven times, been to 43 countries, and been shot 6 times and in the hospital for 36 months.”  He added, “But it wasn’t till I was retired that I got seriously injured from a gunshot wound.  That’s why I moved from California, too many enemies.  I lived in Vegas before, but that place is so full of crooks, I hated it.  As a US Marshal, you can’t socialize with any known felons.  But everyone in Vegas at that time was part of the mob!”  So, he chose Battlefield, Missouri to settle down.

            He has 23 children.  All of them were foster kids at first, and then he adopted them when the state wanted to take them away. “I’ve got Mexicans, Koreans, Blacks, and regular white kids, and they are all mine.  They were all kids that just roamed the streets and had no one to care for them till I took them in.”  You could hear the pride in his voice.  A good kind of proud, not a haughty kind.  “On Father’s day, I got 22 phone calls.  I hated it, I wish they would leave me alone.”  This was of course, an obvious lie.  He loved being cared for by that many people.  He didn’t tell anyone that he was moving from California.  A few weeks after moving, one of his Mexican daughters called him and said, “Where are you?”  He replied, “I’m here.”  “Where is here?”  “Here, where I am.”  “And where is that?”  “At home.”  “But I’m at your home, and there is a mom and two kids living here!”  “Oh, well, I moved.” 

            The most hilarious/terrifying thing he told me was about a recent encounter with an ADT salesman.  I’ve heard of reps getting heated with people on their doorsteps, and I can totally understand that.  If people are rude to you all day, and it’s hot and you just want to go home, I can see how someone would just break at the last straw.  The only problem is, the last straw for this guy was a former US Marshal, who still has the authority to arrest people.  So, they got into it, and threats were made on both sides.  I imagine it was something like, “Get off my porch, you ****.”  “I’ll do what I want, you can’t do anything to me.  I can kick your ***”  “You want to bet?  I’ll have you locked up faster than you can say “dead man walking.”  But I have it on US Marshall authority that it ended like this:  “Is that a threat?”  “No, that’s a promise.”  “I don’t believe –“ (old man whips out some plastic handcuffs he keeps in his pocket alongside his gun, and slaps them on the ADT rep) “HEY! What the **** are you doing? You can’t do this to me!”  “You threatened me, I was afraid for my life, I can do what I want.  You don’t know who you messed with, pal.”  My friend took the ADT rep down to the county jail and had him written up for trespassing and threatening assault.  There is a $138,000 bail on his head.  ADT won’t pay it, and he has been in there for five weeks. 

I’m really glad I knocked this guy on a good day.

Underwear Man

Today a fat, old, hairy man answered the door in his whitey-tighties.  I thought that only happened in movies.

Deuces Wild

I got caugt in a thunderstorm a few days ago.  It was raining so hard, I couldn't even see.  I came out of a house and was outside for barely a minute, and I was so wet it was like I had jumped into a pool. I ran to a house of an elderly couple I had made friends with earlier in the day, and they invited me in and gave me towels to dry off with.  We ended up talking, and the lady told me this story:

"I was on the train with my sister when I was newly married, and a bunch of army boys got on at one of the stops by the base.  They came in and asked us if we wanted to play cards.  I had never played cards, but I thought they were handsome so I went anyway.  They were passing the cards out, and they said, "Deuces Wild."  I thought they said (whispers out the side of her mouth) "douches."  But I didn't have any idea what that was, so I asked them.  I said, "What's a douche?" "

Gayrage

This is a story from my boss:

He was selling to a lesbian couple.  He asked about the garage door, and they quickly corrected him.  "Oh, that's not the garage, thats the gayrage.  We haven't called it garage in forever." 

They had two sons.  One was "gayer than gay, the other was just confused about life."

When the ladies found out my boss was from Utah, one said, "Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of Mormons up there.  I'd like to be Mormon, then I could have all those wives."  They gay son retorted, "You're retarded, thats not even how it works."