Killer Bugs

Missouri Mosquitoes are the bane of my existence.  I seriously have scars all over my legs from itching their bites.  While in Mt. Vernon, I was reaching down itching my ankle.  The mailman drove by and asked if I was ok. (He was the first black person I’d seen since being here, by the way.)  He offered me some bug spray, and it made the rest of my night much more bearable.  So cool!  In Neosho, a woman saw my plight and gave me a brand new bottle of “After Bite,” an itch medicine.  It has seriously saved my life. Aren’t people nice?

Amistad

July 8th, 2001

There is a little Mexican store in my area, called “Amistad.”  It means friendship.  I stopped by and had a look around.  They had CDs, DVDs, books, and little knick-knacks like Bible covers.  I bought a book called “Rumbo al infierno” by Luis Torres for five bucks.  I really wanted to get some CDs, but they were all like fifteen dollars.  Maybe I’m cheap, but I think that is pretty steep for music when I don’t even know what they’re saying.  Actually, I think that’s steep for any CD. 

I need to stop getting music illegally. 

Just waiting for a ride

July 8, 2011

            I was sitting down on a curb by an abandoned building in my area today.  A Mexican guy drove by and asked me if I was ok.  I said yeah, I was just waiting for a ride.  (I don’t know why I said that, because it was only like 6, but I guess that my whole day is pretty much just waiting for my ride to come get me at 9.  So it wasn’t really a lie.)  He drove back by the other way like 7 minutes later.  He slowed down again and said, “Do you have a boyfriend?” in broken English.  I said, “Um, I’m fine, I’m just waiting for a ride.”  “Oh, ok.   ….. Do you have a boyfriend?”  “Um, yeah.” 

And he drove off.

US Marshal

July 7, 2011

         
I met a man with the most interesting life today.  He was a US Marshal.  He told me about how he started life as a lawyer, and did that for three years.  He hated it, all the lying that went on.  Defendants to their lawyer, District Attorneys to the lawyer, lawyer to lawyer… a web of lies.  So one day he came home with his office in a box, and told his wife that he quit.  She said, “But we have a baby on the way, what are we going to do?”  He said, “We are moving to Washington DC, and I’m going to go through the US Marshal Police academy.”  She hated DC, and the fact that her husband was always in danger.  One day, she and their daughter were killed by a drunk driver.  “I used to be a nice guy, but that changed me.  I’ve been mean and ornery ever since.” 

            He got re-married.  His second wife didn’t know that he was a US Marshal.  She thought he was a roofer.  That was his front, that he owned a roofing company.  They had a big warehouse and everything, complete with trucks and all.  “The trucks were junk, you wouldn’t have even been able to get them off the property.  But they painted them up real nice, so no one ever knew.”  It allowed him to go door-to-door and get to know the neighborhood.  “I was like you, only selling roofing.  But I never sold a single roof in all those years.  I did get to know people, though.  Who was doing what and that sort of thing.”  When his wife found out that he was actually a US Marshal, she divorced him.  That was five years later.  I asked why she divorced him, was it because their whole life together was based on a lie?  “No,” he said. “She just couldn’t handle the fear that she and I were always in danger.  I made a lot of enemies, you see.” 

            One day, when he and his third wife (who is his current wife of now 42 years) were living in California, he got a letter calling for his presence at the US Marshal’s office in Washington DC.  There is a saying in the force that says that you walk into that office a US Marshal, and you walk out a civilian.  He thought, “Oh boy, what did I do?”  He couldn’t think of anything, but he had to go anyway.  He arrived, and the lady at the front desk said, “We’ve been waiting for you,” and ushered him into a room.  The men said, “Your presence has been requested before congress.”  So they went to where Congress meets.  “It’s a huge room, and everyone was looking down on us, and I thought I must have really messed up big time.”  Then they read a statement that said that he was being called to serve as the head US Marshal over foreign affairs.  He would answer to no one but Congress.  “I told them, ‘You think it’s a promotion to give me this many bosses?’  But I did it, and it was the best job I could have asked for.  I’ve been around the world seven times, been to 43 countries, and been shot 6 times and in the hospital for 36 months.”  He added, “But it wasn’t till I was retired that I got seriously injured from a gunshot wound.  That’s why I moved from California, too many enemies.  I lived in Vegas before, but that place is so full of crooks, I hated it.  As a US Marshal, you can’t socialize with any known felons.  But everyone in Vegas at that time was part of the mob!”  So, he chose Battlefield, Missouri to settle down.

            He has 23 children.  All of them were foster kids at first, and then he adopted them when the state wanted to take them away. “I’ve got Mexicans, Koreans, Blacks, and regular white kids, and they are all mine.  They were all kids that just roamed the streets and had no one to care for them till I took them in.”  You could hear the pride in his voice.  A good kind of proud, not a haughty kind.  “On Father’s day, I got 22 phone calls.  I hated it, I wish they would leave me alone.”  This was of course, an obvious lie.  He loved being cared for by that many people.  He didn’t tell anyone that he was moving from California.  A few weeks after moving, one of his Mexican daughters called him and said, “Where are you?”  He replied, “I’m here.”  “Where is here?”  “Here, where I am.”  “And where is that?”  “At home.”  “But I’m at your home, and there is a mom and two kids living here!”  “Oh, well, I moved.” 

            The most hilarious/terrifying thing he told me was about a recent encounter with an ADT salesman.  I’ve heard of reps getting heated with people on their doorsteps, and I can totally understand that.  If people are rude to you all day, and it’s hot and you just want to go home, I can see how someone would just break at the last straw.  The only problem is, the last straw for this guy was a former US Marshal, who still has the authority to arrest people.  So, they got into it, and threats were made on both sides.  I imagine it was something like, “Get off my porch, you ****.”  “I’ll do what I want, you can’t do anything to me.  I can kick your ***”  “You want to bet?  I’ll have you locked up faster than you can say “dead man walking.”  But I have it on US Marshall authority that it ended like this:  “Is that a threat?”  “No, that’s a promise.”  “I don’t believe –“ (old man whips out some plastic handcuffs he keeps in his pocket alongside his gun, and slaps them on the ADT rep) “HEY! What the **** are you doing? You can’t do this to me!”  “You threatened me, I was afraid for my life, I can do what I want.  You don’t know who you messed with, pal.”  My friend took the ADT rep down to the county jail and had him written up for trespassing and threatening assault.  There is a $138,000 bail on his head.  ADT won’t pay it, and he has been in there for five weeks. 

I’m really glad I knocked this guy on a good day.

Underwear Man

Today a fat, old, hairy man answered the door in his whitey-tighties.  I thought that only happened in movies.

Deuces Wild

I got caugt in a thunderstorm a few days ago.  It was raining so hard, I couldn't even see.  I came out of a house and was outside for barely a minute, and I was so wet it was like I had jumped into a pool. I ran to a house of an elderly couple I had made friends with earlier in the day, and they invited me in and gave me towels to dry off with.  We ended up talking, and the lady told me this story:

"I was on the train with my sister when I was newly married, and a bunch of army boys got on at one of the stops by the base.  They came in and asked us if we wanted to play cards.  I had never played cards, but I thought they were handsome so I went anyway.  They were passing the cards out, and they said, "Deuces Wild."  I thought they said (whispers out the side of her mouth) "douches."  But I didn't have any idea what that was, so I asked them.  I said, "What's a douche?" "

Gayrage

This is a story from my boss:

He was selling to a lesbian couple.  He asked about the garage door, and they quickly corrected him.  "Oh, that's not the garage, thats the gayrage.  We haven't called it garage in forever." 

They had two sons.  One was "gayer than gay, the other was just confused about life."

When the ladies found out my boss was from Utah, one said, "Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of Mormons up there.  I'd like to be Mormon, then I could have all those wives."  They gay son retorted, "You're retarded, thats not even how it works."

Lost Grandpa

So I knocked into a previous customer, and I knocked on their door so that I could get their name and use it when talking to the neighbors.  But as soon as they answered, I felt awkward just asking their name and then walking away, so I asked about their system and how it was going, and how long they had it, and stuff like that.  I didn't really care but like I said, I had to make it ok to ask their name, first.  She was elderly and actually had a bunch of questions, and I ended up spending a half hour with her practicing turning the alarm on and off and how to bypass the door sensors and all that.  I wrote everything down for her.  I didn't really mind because it was hot outside and their house felt nice.  The whole time the husband is sitting in the living room watching TV.

When I'm wrapping things up, she suddenly starts mouthing something to me.  I was like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."  In a low voice so her husband can't hear, she says, "I want to know how I can still have the system say "BACK DOOR" when the door opens, but not have it call out to the police.  I like it when it does that for me because then I can keep better track of him (points to husband.)"  I must have looked confused, because she went on to explain,  "The other night at 1:00 in the morning, I was woken up by "BACK DOOR," and I realized he had left.  He had gone to get the paper.  I just worry about him walking out and getting lost."

Dude, I don't want to get old.

Name Game

We always name drop in our door appoach, meaning we'll ask if the person we're talking to knows "The Woodalls? or Tim and Alisa down the street?  They live like (pretend to count) four or five houses down?  Have you seen that orange sign on their yard?"  The names we drop are our customers already in the area, and the idea is to let people know that we are already serving people in the neighborhood, you can see our sign right on their yard, so don't be afraid of us.  But, if you get sent out to a new area, then you don't have any customer's names to drop, so you just make one up.  Today I knocked a whole street using a name of someone I sold the day before in another town.  I just made the location of their house very vague. "They live on Langdon over there."

But the weird thing was that like five people agreed with me, saying that they didn't know that their name Woodall, but that they had seen the orange sign.  I was like, "Man, what is up with all these liars, or at least people wanting to pretend like they knew what is going on in their neighborhood, because there is totally no sign out there."  One guy was even like, "The Woodalls?  Do they live in the blue house right on the corner?"  Not wanting to be trapped in a lie in case he knew who actually lived in the blue house on the corner, I said, "Not exactly, but right around there." 

A couple hours later I knocked the blue house on the corner.  They have our orange sign on their lawn.  I wish there name really was Woodall.

No Soliciting

I used to not knock on doors that had "No Soliciting" signs on them.  But one of the first lines in our door appoach is "I'm actually not here selling anything..." so my mentors on the team suggested just doing it.  The worst thing they can do is call the police, and we all have licenses so nothing would happen.  So I am knocking in a SUPER ritzy, high class neighborhood, and I come to a door that has a printout from a home computer that is taped on the door saying "No Soliciting."  I ring the doorbell.  A woman answers the door with a scowl.  "Can you read?"  "I'm actually not here selling anyth-"  SLAM.  I literally laughed on her doorstep.  Rich people suck.

Miracle

It was POURING rain yesterday.  I wanted to quit so bad, but I told myself, "Self, you better stick this out.  Otherwise you will fail at everything the rest of your life."   Which is probably not true, but it got me into gear.  So, the coolest thing ever happened.  I walked passed a home that I had already talked to the day before, and the missionaries are sitting out on the porch with the girl who lives there!  I saw them come out of that home a few days before, and I wanted to go say hi, but they left before I could get overthere.  So this time I was like, "Cool, I'll go say hi, and it will give me a chance to get out of the rain for a second."  So I walked on over and she remembered me from the previous day, and then I said hi to her and the missionaries and introduced myself as a member of the Church.  They all thought it was neat, and then the girl was like, "Do you want to go to church with me on Sunday?"  I was like, "Um, YES!  That would be awesome!"  Apparently she has been meeting with the missionaries for a year, and has only gone to church like six times because she doesn't like to go by herself.  Which I totally understand.  So RIGHT when I walked up the missionaries had just asked her to go to church, and she was like, "I want to but I don't want to go by myself," and then MIRACLE... a strange girl in a bright orange shirt walks up who has just moved into the area and doesn't have anyone to go to church with, either. SO COOL!  They asked me to come to a lesson on Saturday, but I work the whole day.  But I have a half hour for lunch so if I'm still in the area I'll go.  It's just so cool because the reason I took this job was to save for my mission, and as a bonus it's nice practice walking around talking to people, and now I'll literally be doing missionary work while I'm here.  Its like the coolest thing ever. 

After the missionaries left I bore my testimony of how great church is, how powerful the atonement is, and how awesome baptism is.  And I loved it because it was REAL and I feel like everything in my job constitutes of telling truths in a round about way, but the gospel doesn't need you to beat around the bush.  You just say it how it is. AWESOME.

Fail

Today I ran four people's credits.  They all failed.  I also called in an additional two people to run credit on them, but we couldn't complete the call because they didn't have a phone number.  Who doesn't have a phone number??  Why do all these people have crappy credit??

Confederate Flag

So I figure I should bring up this one family I talked to, because like three other people have referred to them as a problem house.  "When those folks moved in, this here neighborhood started going downhill."  "Those folks there are just full of ****."  "You know the ones with the Confederate Flag on their barn?  I'm pretty sure their brothers have been arrested for hate crimes."

They were actually very nice to me.  They were BBQin' out in front of their house when I came by, and they offered me some of their sausages and corn that was literally soaking in a pot of melted butter.  I had to decline it like three times.  He was very proud about the Confederate flag and banjos up on their barn.  The guns nailed up there border the flag, and "are there to keep the **** n*gg**s away."  His shirt said, "I ain't as drunk as I seem," and he had a beer in his hand and was talking way to loudly to be completely sober.  But he did tell me, "You sure are beautiful."  His wife just glared at him, and I got out of there right quick.

But mostly I just liked being called beautiful.

Cinco de Mayo

So there is this one guy I keep running into in this area.  He is probably the only one on the street with all his teeth, and even though he is my age(ish) I probably wouldn't go for him because 1. He lives in Aurora and this place sucks, 2. I don't typically go for the pierced/tatoo look, 3. When someone brags that they are getting more money off unemployment than most people "around these parts" with real jobs, it's a turn-off.  But he started talking to me while I was going to another house, and I was trying to be polite because he told me his mother and grandmother live near him by themselves, and  that sounds like a potential sell to me.  Anyway, he starts telling me about how awesome he is and everything he did in the militarty and blah blah blah and it's obvious that he is hitting on me, and I'm just being polite.  So he asks if there is a number he could reach me at for more info about the alarm, and I tell him I'm not the sales person, I'm just here to get advertising homes, so I don't have brochures or anything to leave.  But in my head I'm like, "No way are you getting my number, mister."  So then he invites me to a big Cinco de Mayo party they are having tomorrow.  I LOVE Mexican food and he starts listing all the food he bought to celebrate, and all the beer they got, and how I should totally stop by for a little bit and have a bite.  I know it's just another excuse to try to get my number, but I really love Mexican food. 

I think I might go.

TNT

So I'm selling this lady who recently moved in, and I ask her how she likes the area.  She said about a month after they got settled, the Bomb Squad came out from Springfield to the house right behind theirs because some guy was holed up in his attic with a hostage and a pipe bomb. 

Welcome to the neighborhood.

One-legger

When selling, you always want to get the customer to feel a sense of urgency to take advantage of your offer RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW.  Otherwise, they'll think about it too much and talk themselves out of it.  A lot of times, only the wife is at home, and she always feels like she can't make a decision without her husband.  It goes the other way too, if just the husband is home.  In sales, we call this a "one-legger."  We had a special training on how to deal with one-leggers.  The bottom line is to try to make them buy without waiting for the consent of the spouse.  Pressure, pressure, pressure.

So my roommate has this book called "Divorceless Marriage" by Dr. Randy Bott, a BYU professor who taught my mission prep class and who I respect a lot.  I was skimming through it the other day... turns out he dedicates almost an entire chapter to the evils of salesmen and how they always try to pressure you into things, but as a couple you need to remain strong and enter into business deals with a clear head, and DEFINITELY always consult each other in any financial decision. 

huh.

Ugly Jeans

Remember these kids?  Well, I was knocking that street again today, and they were all playing outside.  One of them said, "You have ugly jeans."  I wondered, "Is she talking to me?"  Then she said to her friends, "That lady has ugly jeans."  I was like, man, I know I spilt some bleach on them at my old custodial job, but its just a small spot by my shoe... maybe these jeans really are ugly.  After knocking another house I passed them again, and this time I waved hi.  They all rushed up to talk to me and ask me a bajillion questions about what I was doing and who I was did I know that their mom just got a security system from some guy who said that if they touched the thing on the door the police would come to their house and maybe I should talk to their grandma who lives a few houses down and she is so happy because grandpa is moving out to Arkansas with a rich woman because he doesn't have a lot of money so he found her and now grandma is happy he is leaving and...(WHEW! Kids talk a lot!)  Anyway, then a couple older boys come up, they are half siblings with some of the little ones, and they all start playing and I keep knocking.  I come out of one house and the older boys ask if I want to play with them.  They are playing Keep-away.  I debate a little bit, and say I can play with them for three minutes.  So we play Keep-away, three big kids against six little ones, and I'm pretty sure I make the older boys' team worse because those little kids are FAST and get the ball away from me a lot!  haha it was pretty fun.  In the back of my mind I really am playing because the one little girl's mom hasn't answered her door the last two times I knocked it, so I'm hoping she can get me an in.  (No such luck.)  As I'm walking away, I hear the two older boys whispering, "Dang, she was so ****in beautiful!"  "Why didn't you get her number?"  Then they call out to me, "Hey, how old are you?"  I told them to guess.  They all started guessing, "20! 18! 19! 22! 23!"  The little girl with the absentee mom got it right.  The boys were like, "Aww man."  I said goodbye and was walking down the street, and a little while later I hear, "YOU HAVE A NICE ***!!" 

Ugly jeans and all. :)

Mary Jane

I knock a house, and before I even get halfway through my first sentence, the girl invites me in with a blank stare.  I thought it was kinda weird, and I thought maybe she was a little slow.  I walk inside, get hit with a strange smell (which is pretty normal,) when a guy comes out from the back.  I recognize him, and realize he is the one from the day before who was hanging out with his fiance's husband.  I wonder why they are both staring at me so mesmorized, and as I am apologizing for accidentally coming to their house again, I am hit by the recognition of the smell... Marijuana. 

Peace, Love, and No Brain Cells.

Who smells?

At the end of the day my boss picks us all up from our areas.  I got in the car and something smelled like wet dog.  I thought it was me because all the houses I went into today had nasty dog smell.  Turns out my boss had just spent some time in a house where the floor was covered in dog poop.   Seriously gross.

Sneaky Spanish

My Spanish isn't perfect, but it's pretty good.  I am selling to a bilingual family today, and everytime I say something they talk it over to each other in Spanish.  Little do they know, I can understand everything they say.  Muaaahaha. 

They didn't really say anything juicy, which I was hoping for because I thought it would be cool to put on this blog.  But I was able to anticipate their concerns better, which was nice, but they still didn't end up getting a system.

Afterwards we were talking and they asked me if I knew that my last name was hispanic.  I said that I did, and that the side of my family that is hispanic came from Albuquerque and Jalisco, Mexico.  They got all excited because they were from Aquas Calientes, which I guess is pretty close to Jalisco.  They asked if I knew Spanish, and I said that my dad's generation was the first to not speak Spanish in the home, so unfortunately my dad didn't teach me, so I had to learn from school, so I am not perfect. (nice run-on sentance, right?)  They got a little embarassed when they found out I understood what they were saying to each other.  But then I asked if I could just spend a few minutes practicing my Spanish with them, and they were like YEAH for sure!  It was so fun! They told me I was way better than they were expecting, so that made me feel good.  I wish I could just sit and talk forever with people and not have to worry about selling to them. haha.

Beware of Dog

Dogs don't frighten me anymore.  EVERYONE has at least three dogs in Missouri, and they all think they are the toughest guard dogs alive.  But if you are calm, they are just as friendly as anything.  So I walk up to a house that has a huge sign, "Beware of Dog."  "Riiiiight," I think, "like they'll actually get security from a dog.  I'll show them some real security..."  I look around the yard and don't even see a dog, and imagine it is cowering in the back from the lady with the scarily orange polo.  Armed with my laminants of the security systems I'm selling, I reach over the gate to lift the latch, when BARKBARKBARKBARK!!!!!  I literally YELP and jump 3 feet up.

Next house...

Senior Center Dance

I passed a building with loud bluegrass music coming out one night.  My boss was a little late to pick us up, so I had some extra time.  Curious, I walked in and asked what was going on.  Turns out it's a Senior Center, and on Saturday nights they have a Senior Dance.  I decide to just sit and listen to the music, and watch the couples shuffle across the floor.  I was really enjoying myself, imagining I could see the spark of old people romance in the air.  Eventually the band ended the song, and then started up another jig.  This little old man comes up to me and asks in that distinct Missouri twang, "Well, honey, you here to dance?"  I replied, "I'm actually just waiting for a ride, I just got off work... but sure, I can dance."  "Well then, c'mon!"  So we two-stepped all over the floor, and he twirled me all over the place, and I was laughing and enjoying myself the whole time.  Everyone was staring at me, with my bright orange polo shirt and my obvious, flamboyant youth... I'm sure that man got some action when I left because there were tons of women eyeing him up and down.

Nobody Loves You.

I'm leaving a doorstep, when suddenly a man BURSTS out of the front door four houses down, screaming his lungs out and cussing up a storm.  A woman follows in similar fashion.  Kids are running around everywhere, obviously lacking discipline and inhibition of any kind.

"Get the **** away from me, you ****!  I AIN'T watching the kids!"
"You ****in' son of a ****! You supposed to be ****in in this too! You lyin'.."
...goes on for seriously 3 minutes, out in the middle of the driveway for all the neighbors to see.  They go back inside.  Two minutes later, the man comes back with a young man of 17ish...
"Get the **** away from my wife, you filthy son a ****!"
"Hahaha thats right, I'm ****in screwin' your wife!"
"Come here you little ****..." (Proceeds to chase and catch the man, and then starts pretending to molest him right there, with moaning and everything.  Then they both start laughing and walk away like buddies into the house.)
One minute later, the original man and woman...
"I said I AIN'T watchin' her! She ain't ****in' mine!" (Picks up a young girl, probably 7 years old, by one thigh and her neck, so she is horizontal in his arms, and SHOVES her into the woman's body.) 
The woman lets the crying girl drop to the ground and keeps yelling right up in his face until finally...
The man gets down right in the little gir's face and says, "NOBODY LOVES YOU!"  He turns back to the woman, "I AIN"T watchin' her, she ain't mine!!"
The girl just sits there, crying, until the woman rounds up the kids with her high-pitched screaming to ****in' get in the car already, **** it... and they drive off yelling at each other with the windows rolled down.

Gag

On the doorstep of an old, unkempt woman's house:

Me:  "Do you mind if we step inside and I can give you a better idea of what we can do for you."
Lady: (walking inside) "Well I need to talk to my husband, come on in, he's got the dimensia."
Me:  (following her into the house) "Oh no, I'm sorry, that must be diffi - GAG - cult for -GAG- you." (Overcome by the horrific stench of dogs, birds, mildew, body odor, cockroaches, and 50 years of all that on simmer.)

Their daughter and her son were inside, but there has got to be some kind of health code violation going on. It was honestly very sad.

Well that's big of you...

I knock a house and there are a bunch of people just hanging out laughing, all seem like good friends. 
Man: "Can I help you?"
Me: "Are you the homeowner here?"
Man:  "No, this is my soon-to-be ex-wife and her fiance's home."
Me: ".... Oh.... Well are they available?"
That's cool that he is friends with his cheating wife and her lover I guess.  ha.

I can fly!

I'm walking down the street and these two kids come running up to me.  It went something like this:
"Who are you? Why are you here? What are you talking to people about? Where do you live? How did you get here?"  (They don't even stop to here the answers, except for the last one.)
"I flew here." 
"Really??  nooo..." 
"Yes I did.  You can't prove I didn't."
"How?"
 "I think happy thoughts and then I just FLY."
"Wow... show us!"
"Ok, watch closely...  {shoom!}  Did you see that?" 
"Yeah! Now watch me! ...{shoom!}" 
"Very good! Hey, where do your parents live?  I want to talk to them about a home automation system that will help keep you safe so you can keep on flying!"

Pull those pants up!

I am talking to this woman in her garage, two kids running amuk and a baby in the little scooter thing with the wheels.  She suddenly yells over my shoulder, "NO!  Pull those pants up!!!"  I look over and see her three year old with his pants at his ankles, peeing into the wind in the middle of their driveway like it ain't nobody's business.