Underwear Man

Today a fat, old, hairy man answered the door in his whitey-tighties.  I thought that only happened in movies.

Deuces Wild

I got caugt in a thunderstorm a few days ago.  It was raining so hard, I couldn't even see.  I came out of a house and was outside for barely a minute, and I was so wet it was like I had jumped into a pool. I ran to a house of an elderly couple I had made friends with earlier in the day, and they invited me in and gave me towels to dry off with.  We ended up talking, and the lady told me this story:

"I was on the train with my sister when I was newly married, and a bunch of army boys got on at one of the stops by the base.  They came in and asked us if we wanted to play cards.  I had never played cards, but I thought they were handsome so I went anyway.  They were passing the cards out, and they said, "Deuces Wild."  I thought they said (whispers out the side of her mouth) "douches."  But I didn't have any idea what that was, so I asked them.  I said, "What's a douche?" "

Gayrage

This is a story from my boss:

He was selling to a lesbian couple.  He asked about the garage door, and they quickly corrected him.  "Oh, that's not the garage, thats the gayrage.  We haven't called it garage in forever." 

They had two sons.  One was "gayer than gay, the other was just confused about life."

When the ladies found out my boss was from Utah, one said, "Oh, yeah, there's a bunch of Mormons up there.  I'd like to be Mormon, then I could have all those wives."  They gay son retorted, "You're retarded, thats not even how it works."

Lost Grandpa

So I knocked into a previous customer, and I knocked on their door so that I could get their name and use it when talking to the neighbors.  But as soon as they answered, I felt awkward just asking their name and then walking away, so I asked about their system and how it was going, and how long they had it, and stuff like that.  I didn't really care but like I said, I had to make it ok to ask their name, first.  She was elderly and actually had a bunch of questions, and I ended up spending a half hour with her practicing turning the alarm on and off and how to bypass the door sensors and all that.  I wrote everything down for her.  I didn't really mind because it was hot outside and their house felt nice.  The whole time the husband is sitting in the living room watching TV.

When I'm wrapping things up, she suddenly starts mouthing something to me.  I was like, "I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."  In a low voice so her husband can't hear, she says, "I want to know how I can still have the system say "BACK DOOR" when the door opens, but not have it call out to the police.  I like it when it does that for me because then I can keep better track of him (points to husband.)"  I must have looked confused, because she went on to explain,  "The other night at 1:00 in the morning, I was woken up by "BACK DOOR," and I realized he had left.  He had gone to get the paper.  I just worry about him walking out and getting lost."

Dude, I don't want to get old.

Name Game

We always name drop in our door appoach, meaning we'll ask if the person we're talking to knows "The Woodalls? or Tim and Alisa down the street?  They live like (pretend to count) four or five houses down?  Have you seen that orange sign on their yard?"  The names we drop are our customers already in the area, and the idea is to let people know that we are already serving people in the neighborhood, you can see our sign right on their yard, so don't be afraid of us.  But, if you get sent out to a new area, then you don't have any customer's names to drop, so you just make one up.  Today I knocked a whole street using a name of someone I sold the day before in another town.  I just made the location of their house very vague. "They live on Langdon over there."

But the weird thing was that like five people agreed with me, saying that they didn't know that their name Woodall, but that they had seen the orange sign.  I was like, "Man, what is up with all these liars, or at least people wanting to pretend like they knew what is going on in their neighborhood, because there is totally no sign out there."  One guy was even like, "The Woodalls?  Do they live in the blue house right on the corner?"  Not wanting to be trapped in a lie in case he knew who actually lived in the blue house on the corner, I said, "Not exactly, but right around there." 

A couple hours later I knocked the blue house on the corner.  They have our orange sign on their lawn.  I wish there name really was Woodall.